I am well aware that I have a very small audience.
A handful of people reading this blog, a slightly bigger handful following me on Instagram – not a whole lotta eyeballs looking at my work.
So, one of the things that I do find myself fantasizing about is gaining that audience, having people follow me and seeing what I do. And maybe, if I got big enough, I could even try and make this a career. I mean, that was the dream when I was younger, right? Professional cartoonist.
However – and this is a very BIG however – there are moments where I pause and say, “Do I want that? I mean – really?”
Because people, in my honest opinion, are terrifying.
They whine if you don’t do this. They can rip you apart if they so feel like it. They complain, spread rumors, drag your name through the mud, try to get you “cancelled” – again, all terrifying.
There is this YouTuber that I enjoy, Kurtis Conner. Nice enough guy, I like his commentary. He had a friend who said something stupid, and suddenly he got dragged into it simply by association, being the bigger name. Another artist who just released a generally well recieved cartoon pilot is facing people digging up dirt from when she was a teenager – stuff that she had already apologized for and was, overall, generally irrelevant.
And don’t get me started on the Pokemon community as of late. That’s more than enough to make me want to hide under my covers forever.
So right now, I’m feeling stuck in this odd place – wanting to get my name out there, and scared of what would happen if I do. Fun stuff, all around.
I’m going to keep chugging along and drawing, of course. But, man. People. Exhausting.
Took a quick break to recuperate from Inktober, but now, it’s time to get back into the swing of things.
And yes, I did go to my first Anime Convention a couple weekends back. Truly an experience, and a really fun one at that. The costumes that people wore were amazing – had to marvel at the artistry on display with a good many of them. And I got to attend some interesting panels, like one talking about Joan of Arc’s impact on pop culture (not something you’d expect to see at an anime con, but really quite fascinating), one about Japanese mythology in anime, a kind of creepy one about number stations – all really awesome, truly.
Best part was probably Artist’s Alley and the Dealer’s Den – basically, merch central. Probably spent way too much money, but there was so much cool stuff to buy. So I mostly wrote it off as helping out my fellow artists. And now I have more keychains than I know what to do with.
All in all, a fun experience. But once I got home, I definitely needed to hide, just wanted to get away from being around so many people. My introvert battery was bottoming out and in desperate need of a recharge. Of course, I did have to go to work the next day, but I managed for the most part.
But yeah, now I’m back. Expect more cartoons shortly!
Terribly sorry about the sudden break. Was just going through a weird patch for a moment. At home, at work – everything was feeling off. The perfect time for my anxiety/depression to rear its ugly head. Which of course only made things worse.
Kind of been wondering if, as much as I like Winter, it does something weird to me. Like some kind of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Not self diagnosing or anything, but, you know, just thinking.
Feeling much better, though, and ready to get back to my regular uploading schedule. So more comics, more walruses, more rambling, more fun! Whoo!
This was my current state of mind Monday/Tuesday, which is why there wasn’t a post on Wednesday. Just somehow ending up in the bottom of a hole, staring up, wanting to be left alone and not being asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Because I really don’t know if there is any one concrete thing that someone else can do to drag me out. Or if I even want to pulled out of my depressive state at all, as weird as it is to say.
I’m doing much better now (not that that’s super hard to do). So, let us sally forth and keep marching!
I get this thought from time to time. What if I spent the rest of my life in my room and just didn’t participate?
Sometimes it comes up in a somewhat humorous way, like when I’m tired or feeling lazy and I’m like “UGGGGHHHHH I don’t wanna do anything. I just wanna take a nap.”
And then other times, it’s not so funny. It’s me looking out at the world, seeing what’s going on, and saying “Nope. No thanks. Do not want. I’ll sit this out, thank you very much.” Or when I’m feeling small. When I feel like this teeny little speck in the grand scheme of things wondering what’s the point of doing anything. Why even try with everyone else here.
Saps away any and all motivation except to crawl into a hole.
But I can’t not participate. I have to throw myself into the stream of life and carry along with everyone else. Frustrating to little depression-riddled me, but at the same time, probably the best thing I could do. Being a lump sitting at the bottom of a pit will not help.
I don’t really have a whole lot to do with social media websites.
I don’t have a Tumblr, I don’t have an Instagram, I tried Twitter for a hot minute before dropping it entirely, never even bothered with MySpace – no, the only one I’ve used on a regular basis, and the only one that I’ve perhaps had any need for, is Facebook.
I believe I started it Sophomore year of high school, simply because every one else, including my brother, had one, and I didn’t want to be left out. And I would spend hours on it, seeing what other people were up to, chatting, playing inordinate amounts of games – a time suck, for sure. This somewhat simple relationship lasted me into college, I suppose, letting me keep up with family members and people from high school.
If I had to describe my current relationship with Facebook, though, I’d probably have to go with “It’s Complicated.”
Recently, I’ve found myself venturing into the land of Facebook less and less. Maybe I’ll pop on once in a blue moon to change my profile picture, or to see what every one else is up to (or to promote this blog *cough* *hack*). But other than that, I find myself sometimes actively avoiding the bloody website.
And for me, it all comes down to the news.
I believe that we live in a world that is oversaturated with news. It’s constantly being shoved into our faces, everywhere we go. I mean, do we really need 24 hour news stations, blaring at all times? This is actually one of the reasosn I dread going to the gym sometimes, something so stupidly peripheral that I need to tune out if I want to get into shape. And of course, most of what is reported is bad – the good stuff gets shoved aside for the crappy stuff to rise to the top, because that’s what sells nowadays. And given the current political climate of the world right now, there is a frickin’ lot of it at the moment, coming from all sides.
Now don’t get me wrong. I know it is important to not be ignorant of what’s going on in the world at the moment and not hide under a rock (yes, Katy Perry, we can’t be chained to the rhythm, I got it). But for me personally, watching the news is not what I’d consider healthy. I don’t feel like I learn anything. Instead, I end up internalizing it and waste more time worrying and Googling things when I know that there is other stuff I’d need to be doing or would rather be doing.
What does all this have to do Facebook? Because that’s where this all ends up – social media. It all gets regurgitated with people linking and spouting their own opinions on this endless tidal wave of news that continually barrages us. And some people don’t know the difference between actual news and hearsay, or decide to gather their info from less than reputable news sources, which results in misinformation being spread. That helps a grand total of ZERO (and quite possibly is the reason why certain people got elected, but let’s not go there).
There is also that stupid trending bar on the side that drives me nuts by, once again, dragging up what’s popular in the world right now, which is usually the number one thing being reported on, which turns out to be gloomy, bad, or depressing. Or freakishly inconsequential – swear if I see the Kardashians trending ONE MORE TIME…
Sorry for the run-on sentence. But seriously, my GOD. It is just a lot to take in all at once. And I know this sounds really selfish and quite possibly stupid, but I don’t want to be constantly reminded of all the crap that’s going on. I’m wondering if I even care anymore about what people think about this or that or whatever. I don’t think this is a good thing, to be frank, but if I want to keep my anxiety down and move forward with my life, I don’t know if I have a choice in the matter. I’m not going to be of much help to anyone if I’m constantly falling down this particular rabbit hole.
Whew. That was therapeutic. But seriously, checking Facebook has now been demoted to a chore, something to get over with as quickly as possible so that I can move on to other things. And one day, I hope that there is a way to get rid of that stupid, bloody trending bar.
Like I want to build a blanket fort and live in there, away from the rest of humanity with limited human interaction, for an undetermined amount of time. Maybe a few years, maybe the rest of my life, who knows?
Wouldn’t be so bad. I’ll make sure I’d have all the essentials – my Nintendo DS, my iPod, my laptop, my sketchbook and pens, a few good books, and a box of Girl Scout cookies. Surround myself with a bunch of pillows and stuffed animals, throw my cell phone into a river, and I’m good!
Might actually do that. Lord knows I’ve amassed enough throw blankets.