This right here is probably the core of my own anxiety: lack of control. Unable to do anything but watch everything spin wildly and wishing I could reach out and fix it.
I would like to follow this by saying: I am fine. In this moment, I’m good. But I have had moments like this. And there is a heckuva lot going on in the world right now that’s got people scared.
I’d also think that this anxiousness is definitely a new emotion for Eliza. Feeling worried, scared, and powerless all at the same time. Just not knowing what to do. Hoping that somebody has the answer.
Don’t worry, Dot. Pretty sure that the cicadas are all starting to die out, judging by the massive pile of dead bugs on our porch. And they have gotten quieter – haven’t been hearing that low alien drone as much recently. So it might be the start of the end.
Is it weird that I’m gonna kind of miss them? I dunno. Circle of life, I suppose.
I was at work, doing what I needed to do, collecting books to be placed on hold, trying not to think about anything super hard. I’m just about done when I hear this noise. No idea where it came from, almost sounded like some kid that was either really upset or super excited (hard to tell sometimes). I shrug, and wander into the back room to start processing books.
That noise was my boss.
And that was how I found out that Joe Biden won.
Honestly, right now my feelings are a bit more mixed than presented in the comic. Characterwise, I’m sure Lars is breathing just fine. And so am I. It’s like 2020 decided to finally throw us a bone at the end of the year. Kind of like a miracle.
I’m still struggling with this deep down feeling of doubt. Like, some lingering unease or anxiety lurking about. What if something else happens? What if things suddenly flip and What’s His Face manages to pull something off?
What if, what if, what if.
I want to be Lars here. I want to be able to fully embrace this and just breathe without these under-feelings. And I believe I can. I need to take care of myself, though. I need to make sure that I avoid falling down certain rabbit holes and winding myself up, period.
Then I can settle into this peace. Hopefully. And actually celebrate.
Last week was one of the longest, most excruciating weeks I have had the displeasure of experiencing period.
Like, all of the anxiety I’ve had during 2020 was jammed into the span of a week and heightened to levels that I haven’t felt in years.
All due to a very particular event that pretty much captured everyone’s attention and likewise had them refreshing endlessly whilst fueling their own worried states – Election 2020.
Jesus, give me strength.
Sunday and Monday were fine. Normal even.
Then Tuesday rolled along.
I remember the last Presidential election and what it did to me. How when states started falling to What’s His Face, I immediately had a massive panic/anxiety attack and fell apart. So, I thought I’d be wise and turn my phone off all day, making sure to hide it away in my brother’s room just to be safe.
Didn’t stop me from worrying, but I thought’d that would be fine. I’d manage. Sure, there was anxiety building up, but then I’d go to bed and wake up to some sort of result.
Wednesday – of course, no result. Because nothing can be easy in 2020.
After having some bizarre Election dreams and not sleeping well at all, I wake up to a big old mess. Nothing’s been called. Votes are still being counted. Joe Biden’s behind in several very important states. Another four years of What’s His Face.
Anxiety and stress levels immediately skyrocket. What fun.
Several things happen when I get stressed. One is that my sleep patterns go straight out the window. Two is that I can’t eat. I am not a stress eater. At all. My stomach just won’t let anything in. Of course, if I don’t eat, my stomach immediately goes, “Why haven’t you eaten anything?! Eat something now!” But then if I do get something down, it’s all “Why did you do that?!”
So I’m exhausted, not eating, and chain-worrying. I’m stuck in some weird suspended animation, just constantly refreshing, refreshing, REFRESHING. Not doing anything else – I don’t have enough bandwidth to do so. My attention span shrinks, only able to take in a few minutes at a time.
And I thought I was okay.
I honestly did. I thought I was managing things just fine. This was okay. Totally, totally okay.
Thursday – I am not okay.
I am so far from okay it’s not even funny. Exhaustion is catching up to me big time. I’m probably dehydrated at this point as well. Still can’t do anything else except hit that damn refresh button.
I should also mention that I was home this entire time. Didn’t have to go to work Tuesday through Thursday, which really would’ve been a big help in keeping me distracted. It seemed great weeks ago – until I got stuck in Election Purgatory.
And – a very BIG and – we had people working on the house, replacing the siding. Which turned out to be a noisy process. A very early, noisy process. So sleep ended early. And my psyche slowly cracked further under the constant hammering coming from every which way.
I do manage to make my way to my friend Suzy’s house, which ends up being a much needed respite from the noise/anxiety/screens/refreshing/everything. Honestly, I’m amazed that I make it there, considering how tired I am. But we talk. We sat in her basement room, and just hash it out. The first time that week that I say out loud to someone other than myself that I am not okay. That I am stuck deep in some anxiety hole.
That evening, I end up getting so overwhelmed that I break down into my Chinese food. I’m tired. I’m hurting. Why can’t I break out of this cycle? Why am I here in this pit? Why can’t they just call the stupid race already my GOD.
Friday. The workers are gone. The house looks nice and fresh. I get to wake up naturally. I get to go to work. I’m still a mess, but at least I’m functioning kind of. And things are starting to look up Electionwise.
Which is where more what ifs show up. What if there is 4 more years of What’s His Face? What if Pennsylvania doesn’t flip? What if, what if, what if.
And yet, for the first time in days, I’m hopeful. It’s just a spark, but it’s something.
Still can’t eat properly, by the by. And starting to feel a depressive front moving in. Just what I need at this time.
Glorious, glorious Saturday.
They start calling the Election. Biden’s in the lead – and he’s won.
I’ll get further into the story Wednesday but holy crap. Like, holiest of craps. What is happening.
What am I feeling? Relief. Disbelief. Shock. This isn’t real. But it is real.
And the anxiety fog starts to lift a bit.
I’m actually able to eat a full plate of dinner. I manage to sleep through the night. And Sunday, I can take a nap without struggle. It’s amazing.
So, here we are in this week. I’m still feeling the after effects, honestly. And I still need to be careful of what I’m checking on my phone because anxiety is a beast and I don’t want to set it off again.
But I’m so much better. Each day I feel more and more alive again. I’m drawing. I’ve started a new book. I’m turned on my Switch. All the coping mechanisms I should’ve been using all of last week, according to my therapist.
I’m glad to be out of suspended animation. I’m glad to be moving around and feeling human again.
And I’m feeling very, very good about the next four years. But again, that’s for Wednesday.
Also, can I just say, what in the WORLD are they thinking with opening up schools? It’s a pandemic – jamming a bunch of kids into a place that is already a hub for germs is straight up stupid. I don’t understand. I really don’t.
And the answer is – yes, I really can’t draw dartboards. Looks like I’ll have to add it the list, alongside cars.
In all seriousness, though, I do need a therapist to get my anxiety under control. And I am in the process of looking for one. It’s not as easy as I would’ve hoped, and it does honestly feel like I’m throwing darts at a dartboard hoping that one will stick. I just don’t want to make the wrong choice.
Oh, and also I don’t know what Quincy is either. I…just liked the way he looked. So, here he is.
I seriously need to introduce some characters. I still introduce Dot’s monster friends. And get back to her storyline.