Mistakes Were Made

How will I check Instagram 10 times an hour without it???


Fell down a rabbit hole of election news for a good solid hour a few days ago.  Managed to get my heart rate/anxiety up.

On the plus side, this is the first time I’ve done that in ages.  And I don’t plan on doing it again soon.  Because I’m not actually learning anything or taking anything in.  Just worrying.

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Therapist Hunting

It’s one way to handle the search.

I know what you’re all thinking.

And the answer is – yes, I really can’t draw dartboards.  Looks like I’ll have to add it the list, alongside cars.

In all seriousness, though, I do need a therapist to get my anxiety under control.  And I am in the process of looking for one.  It’s not as easy as I would’ve hoped, and it does honestly feel like I’m throwing darts at a dartboard hoping that one will stick.  I just don’t want to make the wrong choice.

Oh, and also I don’t know what Quincy is either.  I…just liked the way he looked.  So, here he is.

I seriously need to introduce some characters.  I still introduce Dot’s monster friends.  And get back to her storyline.

One thing at a time!

Right now: therapy.

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The Slightest Sound

Neither Nigel nor the burrito deserved that.

Still getting used to the new car, as you can see, even though it’s already been two months.

There have been times where I’m like “NO NO NO NOT AGAIN – oh, wait, it’s just my knee knocking against the paneling.”  Or I tune into a certain sound and turn off my music to find out what it is, only to found out it was just a part of the song.

Clearly, still a bit traumatized from the Incorrigible Bastard.

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Walrus Studies: Interview

Trying not to sweat all over his resumé.

Well now, look at our walrus friend here!  All dressed up nice and neat, with a briefcase in one flipper and a resumé in the other,  with a look that says, “Pretty please hire me – I am not too proud to beg.”

Basically reflecting how I’m feeling at this very moment.

I have an interview coming up this Tuesday, and if all goes well, I could get that promotion.  Which is both exciting and nerve wracking.  On the one hand, I am so ready to be taking this next step on the library ladder.  Love being a page, but it’s about time.  Plus I could use having more hours at work.

On the other hand, I’m terrified at the notion of leaving my current library.  And I do enjoy this current paging position.  There is this nagging little voice at the back of my mind saying, “Don’t do this.  Be a page forever.  It’s a good gig.  Why rock the boat?”

And the interview itself…gracious.  I need to present the best me possible to this panel and NOT screw this up.  And of course, me being me, I’ve been thinking the worst.  Because anxiety is fun times.

However, I do have to remember that unlike the last time I interviewed, I actually have a job that I can keep on working at.  So that helps.  And I have been getting a metric ton of advice from pretty much everyone I work with.  Plus, I did just take an interviewing class.  So I’ve got a couple of things working for me there.  Just need to remember to ask questions and tell them everything that I’ve done in the past few years at the library.

Hoping for the best.  Now it’s time to find some nice pants to wear.

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Autumnal Worries

"Seriously, man, stop checking Accuweather every 2 seconds."   "BUT I MUST KNOW IF IT CHANGES."
“Seriously, though, you need to stop checking Accuweather every 2 seconds-“

…yeah, I’d be lying if I said that I don’t do this every Fall.  I’d also be lying if I said that I don’t check the weather forecast at least two months out, because I worry that it won’t cool off at all and it’ll just be warm forever.  Because I do.  And Accuweather is an enabler of this very bad habit.

What can I say?  I like nature to stay on course.  And in my honest opinion, summer has more than overstayed its welcome.  Yes, technically it’s still summer.  But it should start edging towards fall now instead of being so bloody hot.  I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, what with this heat wave up and down the East Coast.

So let’s all hope that this blows over fast.  And that I don’t end up bothering too many people this Fall with my, um, seasonal anxieties.

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Toothpaste and Other Cleaning Things

Cut to about 10 minutes of me spitting and swishing.
Cut to about 10 minutes of me spitting and swishing.

Confession time: I am afraid of toothpaste.

It’s not that I don’t use the stuff, because of course I do.  That would be disgusting, otherwise, not brushing my teeth.  And I did go through a period where I didn’t brush for a good long while in college – led to some rather bloody gums, and I’ll just leave it at that.

A part of me thinks it was because I was lazy, or perhaps it was just the tedium of the chore itself.

Or maybe it was because I’m terrified that I might swallow it.

It’s true – the main part of toothpaste is that I’m afraid I’m going to end up swallowing some minute portion and it’s going to enter my system and I will end up dead.  Dead from brushing my teeth.  I mean, it says don’t swallow on the tube itself, and I guess a part of me takes that very, very seriously.

I’ve taught myself to shut off the back of my throat and breathe through my nose while brushing my teeth.  But still, there’s that moment where I feel something tickle my throat and I think “Well, that’s the end of me.”

After I finish brushing, I have to swish out my mouth very thoroughly, just to make sure that there isn’t anything left behind that could potentially poison me.  And then I end up spitting for the first maybe 5 to 10 minutes afterwards, just to be on the safe side.  After all, who knows what could be there, lodged in my teeth, waiting…?

This is probably the most OCD thing that goes on in my brain.  Lord knows it’s not having things organized – all you have to do is look in my room to see that that ain’t true.  It’s this contamination thing that lurks in the back of my mind.  Anything that could potentially poison me or somebody else because it is on my person needs to get OFF.

And it’s not just toothpaste.  It really branches out to all things that have to do with cleaning.  Laundry soap, bleach, Windex, Clorox wipes, even air fresheners – stuff that is made to clean and freshen things up cannot be on me.  It mostly has to do with my hands.  If I get some on my hands, they need to be washed pronto before I can literally do anything else.  Because what if I decide to get some food, or touch the countertop or my eyes or my parents?  What if it got under my skin and into my bloodstream somehow?  What if I end up breathing it in and it gets in my lungs or destroys my brain cells – or somebody else’s?  In my mind, that spells doom for all.

Yes, I do realize that cleaning, whether it be the house or my teeth, is important.  But my brain needs to be absolutely sure that after the act of doing see, I need to be completely cleared of anything potentially “dangerous.”

My brain is like one big fun house of weird.  I mean, it’s just toothpaste.  And I realize that.  But I think that’s a facet of OCD – realizing that it’s strange, but having to do it anyway.

Side note: no, I have not been diagnosed with OCD.  But sometimes, with stuff like this, I have to wonder.


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Back Surgery

Love ya, Dad.
Love ya, Dad.

For the past year or so, my dad has been suffering from some pretty intense back pain.  To the point where it’s also been affecting his legs and his thighs, causing them to go numb and making it really hard for him to get around comfortably.  I believe the official diagnosis was lumbar stenosis (narrowing of the spaces in the lower spine), which sounds pretty painful.

So, a couple months back, he decided that it would be best for him to have back surgery to correct the problem.

Which, as of right now, he is undergoing.

It’s a little like my brother’s wedding.  Not in the sense of “Ooooo, this is so exciting!!!”  More like, we’ve been talking about it and talking about it and whoa, it’s here.

Right now, I’m feeling a bit anxious, perhaps a bit scared as well.  Trying to remain cheerful, but man, sometimes my mind just goes to the darkest of places.  Like, what if something goes wrong during surgery?  What will happen to Dad?  What if he doesn’t wake up…?

Morbid, I know.  But we’ve never had to do anything like this.  Ever.  From what I’ve gleaned from my parents’ conversations, back surgeries seem to be fairly common amongst their friends – as are really unhelpful horror stories.  Still, it’s all new to us.

I just want everything to go well for Dad, you know?  Not just this surgery, but the aftermath as well – he’s going to be home, recuperating for the next 6 weeks or so, and I want it to be as painless for him as possible, both physically and mentally (he’s an extrovert, so not being around people might make him a bit stir crazy).  Hopefully he’ll be in a lot less pain, he’ll be able to get around much more easily, and everything will be great in the long run.

So, any thoughts/prayers/good vibes would be more than helpful right now.  Could really use them.

And Dad?  I know you’re unconscious right now, but I’m hoping that everything is going swimmingly in that surgery room right now.  You’re in good hands, I’m sure.

Love you, Dad.

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Reading the News

"Do you WANT to give yourself more anxiety?!"  "I JUST WANNA KNOW."
“Do you WANT to give yourself more anxiety?!” “I JUST WANNA KNOW.”

Me and the news have a love-hate relationship.

On the one hand, it’s good to learn about what’s going on in the world.  Make sure you’re not living underneath a rock and such.

On the other, it’s enough to make you want to hide in your room forever and never step outside of your house again.

In my case, it also causes a lot of anxiety, worrying about the state of the world, what’s going to happen in the future, why the hell people are doing what they’re doing when CLEARLY it’s not going to benefit anybody in the long run- fun stuff like that.  Especially when it comes to a certain event that is happening in America right now.  Don’t want to go into details, but needless to say, there are some people who would probably cause more harm than good were they to ascend to presidency.  You know who I’m talking about.

So, I tell myself, okay, let’s just step back, not look things up, stay away from Facebook, and you’ll be okay.  And it does work.  You know, until I come across something and I think, well, maybe if I just Google this one thing…

Next thing you know, I’ve spent an hour pouring through the news and have turned into an anxiety riddled mess.

It’s a problem, I know.  But it’s not like you can just hide from the news.  It’s everywhere.  And being ignorant doesn’t solve anything either.

Still, I need to just step away, breathe, and maybe avoid the news so I can get my head on straight.  And not worry so much.  Lord knows that’s not helping anything at all.  Just need to work on it.

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If Only

Wouldn't that be nice?
Wouldn’t that be nice?

Honestly, if only that was the way the world truly worked.  Send out some baked goods and bam!  World peace achieved.  If only.

It’s been a weird sort of week.  Spent a good deal of it worrying about stuff, a couple of strange things happened towards the end of it – not the greatest of weeks.

Then Sunday rolled around, and I decided to hit the Reset button.  Made some cupcakes to start the week with something sweet – amazing how therapeutic baking can be.  And generally trying to keep the worrying down to a minimum.

This is really turning out to be the hardest New Year’s Resolution to work on.  Writing?  Easy enough.  Losing weight?  It’s a process, but I’m working on it.  Worrying less?  Man.

If only it was easy as just flipping this worry switch off.

But I’m trying.

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