Working from Home

Oof.

Now, I know that I am super duper lucky to be employed right now.  Believe me, it’s a relief to not have to think about unemployment.

But it’s still not the same.

I miss working with the books.  I miss being at the returns desk.  I even miss interacting with the patrons to an extent.

Not all of them.  But most.

It’s not fun being here at home, at the dining room table, scrolling through the library catalog and trying to figure out what to do with my time.  Plus, my sole coworker only really seems to care about mealworms and napping.  Not much for conversation.

I know when we reopen, things are going to be different.  My boss is already talking about masks, installing plastic shields on the desks, trying to make sure we can still do the six feet apart deal – that’s fine.  I’ll take it.

It’s gonna be nuts whenever we reopen, I know that for sure.

Until then, I’ll be here.  Teleworking.  Having a blast and a half.

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That Googling Thing

The sweet embrace of unconsciousness.

With all that’s going on right now, we need to be cognizant of not just our physical wellbeing, but our mental health as well.

Case in point: when COVID-19 first settled stateside, I could not stop googling the news about it.  I’d just have to.  Next thing I know, it’s two hour later and I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole of news articles and opinion pieces.  The result?  My anxiety would spike hardcore, and I needed to get all my thoughts out there and just vent and vent and vent (mostly to my parents, who are indeed saints for dealing with me), my mind a non-stop roller coaster of awful.  And it would always be right before I’d go to bed.  The worst time to have my brain running a hundred miles per hour.

I’m not promoting ignorance.  At all.  It is important to stay informed.  But this is not being informed.  This is me racing through internet pages and internalizing everything awful, then spewing it back out.

The fact is, I need to step back.  For me to stay in one piece, I need to keep myself from this horrible habit.  I’ve been trying – a few slip-ups here and there, but for the most part, I think I’ve done okay.  I’ve learned that I need to redirect myself or physically hold myself back.  I don’t know if it’s some weird OCD thing or not – I have not been diagnosed by a professional, so I really don’t want to classify it as such.  But I do need to breathe, and back away from the Google, if I want to have any chance of coming away from the COVID-19 pandemic mentally together.

If reading the news helps keep your anxiety in check, great.  Go for it.  But I know that I can’t right now.  Because I won’t get anything from it.  My anxiety will just suffer.

So I will step back.  Breathe.  Knit.  Draw.  Whatever.

And keep moving.

 

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Ugh People

DREW’S HAVING FEELINGS

I am well aware that I have a very small audience.

A handful of people reading this blog, a slightly bigger handful following me on Instagram – not a whole lotta eyeballs looking at my work.

So, one of the things that I do find myself fantasizing about is gaining that audience, having people follow me and seeing what I do.  And maybe, if I got big enough, I could even try and make this a career.  I mean, that was the dream when I was younger, right?   Professional cartoonist.

However – and this is a very BIG however – there are moments where I pause and say, “Do I want that?  I mean – really?”

Because people, in my honest opinion, are terrifying.

They whine if you don’t do this.  They can rip you apart if they so feel like it.  They complain, spread rumors, drag your name through the mud, try to get you “cancelled” – again, all terrifying.

There is this YouTuber that I enjoy, Kurtis Conner.  Nice enough guy, I like his commentary.  He had a friend who said something stupid, and suddenly he got dragged into it simply by association, being the bigger name.  Another artist who just released a generally well recieved cartoon pilot is facing people digging up dirt from when she was a teenager – stuff that she had already apologized for and was, overall, generally irrelevant.

And don’t get me started on the Pokemon community as of late.  That’s more than enough to make me want to hide under my covers forever.

So right now, I’m feeling stuck in this odd place – wanting to get my name out there, and scared of what would happen if I do.  Fun stuff, all around.

I’m going to keep chugging along and drawing, of course.  But, man.  People.  Exhausting.

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Time to Hide Away

Almost word for word what happened.

And we’re back!

Took a quick break to recuperate from Inktober, but now, it’s time to get back into the swing of things.

And yes, I did go to my first Anime Convention a couple weekends back.  Truly an experience, and a really fun one at that.  The costumes that people wore were amazing – had to marvel at the artistry on display with a good many of them.  And I got to attend some interesting panels, like one talking about Joan of Arc’s impact on pop culture (not something you’d expect to see at an anime con, but really quite fascinating), one about Japanese mythology in anime, a kind of creepy one about number stations – all really awesome, truly.

Best part was probably Artist’s Alley and the Dealer’s Den – basically, merch central.  Probably spent way too much money, but there was so much cool stuff to buy.  So I mostly wrote it off as helping out my fellow artists.  And now I have more keychains than I know what to do with.

All in all, a fun experience.  But once I got home, I definitely needed to hide, just wanted to get away from being around so many people.  My introvert battery was bottoming out and in desperate need of a recharge.  Of course, I did have to go to work the next day, but I managed for the most part.

But yeah, now I’m back.  Expect more cartoons shortly!

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My Hole in the Ground

What part of “Until Further Notice” was not clear?

How I’ve been feeling this past week.

I get this thought from time to time.  What if I spent the rest of my life in my room and just didn’t participate?

Sometimes it comes up in a somewhat humorous way, like when I’m tired or feeling lazy and I’m like “UGGGGHHHHH I don’t wanna do anything.  I just wanna take a nap.”

And then other times, it’s not so funny.  It’s me looking out at the world, seeing what’s going on, and saying “Nope.  No thanks.  Do not want. I’ll sit this out, thank you very much.”  Or when I’m feeling small.  When I feel like this teeny little speck in the grand scheme of things wondering what’s the point of doing anything.  Why even try with everyone else here.

Saps away any and all motivation except to crawl into a hole.

But I can’t not participate.  I have to throw myself into the stream of life and carry along with everyone else.  Frustrating to little depression-riddled me, but at the same time, probably the best thing I could do.  Being a lump sitting at the bottom of a pit will not help.

Sometimes I have to actually crawl out on my own.

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Hideaway

Comfy.

 

Yeah.  Kinda how I’m feeling right now.

Like I want to build a blanket fort and live in there, away from the rest of humanity with limited human interaction, for an undetermined amount of time.  Maybe a few years, maybe the rest of my life, who knows?

Wouldn’t be so bad.  I’ll make sure I’d have all the essentials – my Nintendo DS, my iPod, my laptop, my sketchbook and pens, a few good books, and a box of Girl Scout cookies.  Surround myself with a bunch of pillows and stuffed animals, throw my cell phone into a river, and I’m good!

Might actually do that.  Lord knows I’ve amassed enough throw blankets.

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