And the answer is – yes, I really can’t draw dartboards. Looks like I’ll have to add it the list, alongside cars.
In all seriousness, though, I do need a therapist to get my anxiety under control. And I am in the process of looking for one. It’s not as easy as I would’ve hoped, and it does honestly feel like I’m throwing darts at a dartboard hoping that one will stick. I just don’t want to make the wrong choice.
Oh, and also I don’t know what Quincy is either. I…just liked the way he looked. So, here he is.
I seriously need to introduce some characters. I still introduce Dot’s monster friends. And get back to her storyline.
With all that’s going on right now, we need to be cognizant of not just our physical wellbeing, but our mental health as well.
Case in point: when COVID-19 first settled stateside, I could not stop googling the news about it. I’d just have to. Next thing I know, it’s two hour later and I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole of news articles and opinion pieces. The result? My anxiety would spike hardcore, and I needed to get all my thoughts out there and just vent and vent and vent (mostly to my parents, who are indeed saints for dealing with me), my mind a non-stop roller coaster of awful. And it would always be right before I’d go to bed. The worst time to have my brain running a hundred miles per hour.
I’m not promoting ignorance. At all. It is important to stay informed. But this is not being informed. This is me racing through internet pages and internalizing everything awful, then spewing it back out.
The fact is, I need to step back. For me to stay in one piece, I need to keep myself from this horrible habit. I’ve been trying – a few slip-ups here and there, but for the most part, I think I’ve done okay. I’ve learned that I need to redirect myself or physically hold myself back. I don’t know if it’s some weird OCD thing or not – I have not been diagnosed by a professional, so I really don’t want to classify it as such. But I do need to breathe, and back away from the Google, if I want to have any chance of coming away from the COVID-19 pandemic mentally together.
If reading the news helps keep your anxiety in check, great. Go for it. But I know that I can’t right now. Because I won’t get anything from it. My anxiety will just suffer.
So I will step back. Breathe. Knit. Draw. Whatever.
Please note: I do try to avoid talking politics whenever humanly possible. So this will hopefully be the one and only comic touching on the presidential election this year.
But really, I can already tell, it’s going to be a weird one. Which, truth be told, I think we have the last election to thank for that, setting a unfortunate new precedent for whatever shenanigans happen in future elections.
I need someone to do this to me in real life, just to stop the almost obsessive need to check the weather over and over and over again. ‘Cause it’s not going to change in the 30 seconds since I looked at it.
I may or may not have gotten caught in this awful cycle for a good 30 minutes a couple nights back. I may or may not have also cried out of frustration. My brain is a strange and terrifying place.
I am well aware that I have a very small audience.
A handful of people reading this blog, a slightly bigger handful following me on Instagram – not a whole lotta eyeballs looking at my work.
So, one of the things that I do find myself fantasizing about is gaining that audience, having people follow me and seeing what I do. And maybe, if I got big enough, I could even try and make this a career. I mean, that was the dream when I was younger, right? Professional cartoonist.
However – and this is a very BIG however – there are moments where I pause and say, “Do I want that? I mean – really?”
Because people, in my honest opinion, are terrifying.
They whine if you don’t do this. They can rip you apart if they so feel like it. They complain, spread rumors, drag your name through the mud, try to get you “cancelled” – again, all terrifying.
There is this YouTuber that I enjoy, Kurtis Conner. Nice enough guy, I like his commentary. He had a friend who said something stupid, and suddenly he got dragged into it simply by association, being the bigger name. Another artist who just released a generally well recieved cartoon pilot is facing people digging up dirt from when she was a teenager – stuff that she had already apologized for and was, overall, generally irrelevant.
And don’t get me started on the Pokemon community as of late. That’s more than enough to make me want to hide under my covers forever.
So right now, I’m feeling stuck in this odd place – wanting to get my name out there, and scared of what would happen if I do. Fun stuff, all around.
I’m going to keep chugging along and drawing, of course. But, man. People. Exhausting.
Just feeling as though you’re stuck doing the same thing, week after bloody week, not entirely sure how you’re going to get yourself out of it.
That was me last week: feeling really, really bored, with a dash of depression and a hint of restlessness. Like, something’s wrong, right? But what is it?
It’s not my job, I think. I quite enjoy what I’m doing with the library, and honestly can’t imagine doing something else right now.
And yet, aside from the job, something feels off.
Like I should be doing something else. In addition to the job, I mean.
Do I need to go out and get myself something new? Like a new tattoo, or maybe a new laptop? But will that really solve things in the long run, or is it just a simple patch?
Side note: I do want to do both of those things, but, y’know, money and all. But they will happen.
Maybe I need another hobby. Start getting into something new, like knitting.
Or maybe I need to revisit old hobbies. Lord knows the last time I sat down and wrote something for fun. Maybe finally try to pursue that childhood dream of being published. I’m starting to come across more and more writers who are my age who’ve already published multiple books.
Is that it? Have I let my dreams fall by the wayside? Is that what this rut is trying to tell me?
Because that’s the good thing about being stuck in a rut. It tells you that something is wrong, that maybe you need to change something up, add some spice to your life.
The only question you have to answer is, what is it? What do you want to do?
That’s something I’ll definitely be thinking about in the future.
Terribly sorry about the sudden break. Was just going through a weird patch for a moment. At home, at work – everything was feeling off. The perfect time for my anxiety/depression to rear its ugly head. Which of course only made things worse.
Kind of been wondering if, as much as I like Winter, it does something weird to me. Like some kind of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Not self diagnosing or anything, but, you know, just thinking.
Feeling much better, though, and ready to get back to my regular uploading schedule. So more comics, more walruses, more rambling, more fun! Whoo!
This was my current state of mind Monday/Tuesday, which is why there wasn’t a post on Wednesday. Just somehow ending up in the bottom of a hole, staring up, wanting to be left alone and not being asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Because I really don’t know if there is any one concrete thing that someone else can do to drag me out. Or if I even want to pulled out of my depressive state at all, as weird as it is to say.
I’m doing much better now (not that that’s super hard to do). So, let us sally forth and keep marching!
Like I want to build a blanket fort and live in there, away from the rest of humanity with limited human interaction, for an undetermined amount of time. Maybe a few years, maybe the rest of my life, who knows?
Wouldn’t be so bad. I’ll make sure I’d have all the essentials – my Nintendo DS, my iPod, my laptop, my sketchbook and pens, a few good books, and a box of Girl Scout cookies. Surround myself with a bunch of pillows and stuffed animals, throw my cell phone into a river, and I’m good!
Might actually do that. Lord knows I’ve amassed enough throw blankets.