This picture pretty much speaks for itself. I was expecting to take the world by storm immediately after graduating from college. Instead I ended up holing up in my room watching YouTube for 10 hours straight mired in my own depression/anxiety. So much fun.
I’ve gotten better though, thankfully. And I do have this blog to thank for that, giving me some semblance of a schedule and deadlines to work with, as well as making me do something besides being sucked into the Internet. So, yay, blog!
I thought pumping gas would be harder than it actually is, which is kind of why I put it off until I started up my car yesterday and thought, “Uh oh,” followed by the thought of me sobbing on the side of the road with an empty gas tank. Never a good thought, trust me.
Turns out, it’s super easy. You swipe a card, press a few buttons, open up the gas tank thing, shove in the nozzle, and wait for that sweet, sweet fuel to fill up your car. The hardest part of this whole experience was simply the fact that it was FREEZING outside. Like, single digit temperatures with arctic winds blasting me in the face as I scramble to open up the gas tank with gloves on. Truly, that was the part that made me feel like a grown up – not wanting to go outside, but realizing that you have to or else. Besides, I needed to make sure that my car would actually run in this cold weather and not just sit there until I need to use it again (oh, God, I do sound like a grown up. Holy crap).
Also, again, cars are stupidly hard to draw. I tried to include my own Selena (name of my car) here, but no. Not happening.
I love holidays – Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, even Halloween to a certain extent. I love that season, that feeling that keeps building up to the special day where everything comes together in one magical explosion of fun. However, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, I have a tendency of just being like, “Eh.” Or, like this year, completely forgetting about it until I walked into Giant and thought, “What’s with all of the hearts and the pink and the red…oh.”
I’ve never had a reason to celebrate it, having been single my entire life and (*gasp*) never having actually been on a date period. So in my book, it becomes just another day on the calendar. At this point in my life, I have come to terms with my chronic singleness and am quite okay with flying solo. Dating and relationships in general, from what I can see, take a crap ton of work, and looking back at it, I don’t think I’ve ever been quite ready to take that plunge for a variety of reasons (shyness, school work, etc.). In fact, imagining myself attempting to have a relationship in either high school or college (ESPECIALLY Freshman year, in both cases), makes me shiver. I definitely was not mature enough in either case to try to tackle this whole dating thing, and with college, my mindset was all over the place, to the point where I was driving myself insane. Really could not imagine trying to drag someone through all that with me.
Right now, I’m still trying to work a few things out. I want to focus on getting a job, saving up some money, figuring out what I want to do with my life – that sort of thing. Maybe someday I’ll give dating a whirl, but for right now, I’m okay with the single life. It’s all good.
But hey, to all of those out there who are planning on spending the day with that special someone, Happy Valentine’s Day. Go out and enjoy yourselves. Take a romantic stroll through the park, have a fancy dinner, watch out for flying Cupid walruses who might be taking aim with a bow and arrow. Have some fun.
And for those of you who are like me, Happy Singles’ Awareness Day. Go buy yourself some chocolate and a Chipotle burrito and stay in to watch some Netflix. No reason not to enjoy yourselves either.
Although I’d still advise you to watch out for those Cupid walruses – those buggers are heavy.
It’s the same thing every time: I finish a drawing, sit back to gaze upon my artistic genius – then notice that everything has somehow ended up crooked or floating and try not to throw my sketchbook at a wall.
Of course, it may have something to do with the fact that I have a tendency of working on a not-so-flat surface (bracing my sketchbook on my knees, hunched over on the couch). My point still stands though – it’s annoying.
This is hopefully the beginning of a series of drawings I’m kind of planning out based all around different types of walruses doing weird, random things because – well, because why not? After all, this is “I Draw Walruses.” Let’s have some walruses.
This particular drawing based on a random thought that sort of just popped in my head one day: a walrus impersonating a llama and spitting at people. I don’t know, it made me laugh. So, here you go. A spitting walrus. Great way to start out the week.
As someone who only got his driver’s license 5, 6 months ago, my feelings about driving have vacillated between “Look at me! I’m an adult! I can drive myself places! Vroom vroom!” to “HOLY CRAP I’M GOING TO DIE I’M GOING TO DIE I’M GOING TO DIE WHERE DID THAT TRUCK COME FROM AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!”
I have to say, it’s great that I’ve finally gotten back into the drawing habit after literally years of avoiding it for…reasons (one of which rhymes with “fart spool”).
But damn, it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be.
I think it’s because it has been a while since I’ve just sat down and drawn anything off the top of my head. It’s also, I think, because of that little perfectionist inside my head still saying, “It’s gotta be perfect, man. You hear me? Perfect. Or else why do it?” coupled with massive amounts of self doubt (“Why am I doing this? I suck. People think I suck. I should just crawl into a hole forever and die”). You know? Not particularly fun stuff to be thinking about while trying to draw.
For the past 4 years or so, this lethal combination became extremely overwhelming, and took over to the point where I honestly thought, “Well, this is it. I’m never drawing again. Wasted years of my life on a hobby that doesn’t mean squat. Time to go cry into a Chipotle burrito about the black hole of suck that is my life.” And that was that. I’d just let all of my creativity get sucked dry and left to rot inside my brain, rattling around as I went on my merry, anxiety riddled way.
Now, though, I do feel like things have changed. I don’t know, perhaps it’s being unemployed that has brought a sense of clarity to the idea of drawing. Might as well do it, right? Might as well do something to fill in the hours instead of just staring at a ceiling. Yeah, the little voices are still there, poking their grubby fingers at my work and whispering “Don’t even try, you numbskull.” And yeah, it’s hard work, trying to get back into the swing of things and producing content of any sort, putting yourself out there to be looked at.
But it’s fun hard work. And I’m glad that I’m doing it. I feel like I truly have found myself again, after years of just shoving it aside and honestly being afraid of it.
So, yeah. Drawing, welcome back. I’ve missed you. Come sit down and have a cookie, we’ve got some catching up to do.
Honestly, I did forget that the Super Bowl was this weekend. Which pretty much sums up how much I care about sports, in that I don’t. At all. It’s not that I don’t understand the rules, I just…don’t care. Maybe it stems from my own lack of sportiness/athletic prowess, maybe I just think they’re honestly kind of boring and would rather be doing something else with my time, I don’t know. All I know is that there is a certain amount of apathy when it comes to all things sporty.
Back in high school and college, I went to exactly one game per season, and that was solely to watch my brother march in the marching band. I would spend most of the game huddled up on the bench with my iPod on, waiting for the right moment to start whining to go home (usually some point during the third quarter). Now, I have mastered the polite, interested nod whenever someone starts talking about sports, while simultaneously zoning out.
Very rarely do I look back on a year and think, “God, that year sucked.”
2014 was an exception.
It started in January, just after Winter Break. I got back to college and was all set to start my last semester, when my body decided to start rebel. It was just these random chest and stomach pains, coupled with some awful reflux that really screwed with my head. I started to have these horrible insomniac moments where I couldn’t sleep at all, and became a Web MD addict, convincing myself I had everything from Angina to Stomach Cancer, and that I would die in my sleep (no joke). I came super close to actually calling 911 in the midst of what I thought was a heart attack (in reality a panic attack). And this literally lasted all year, steamrolling into moments of anxiety and extreme self doubt about pretty much everything, especially after graduation: what I was going to do with my life, when I was going to die, would I become this big fat loser forever, etc. Really morbid stuff.
So, between all of this crippling anxiety, a massive existential crisis, bouts of depression and insomnia, general unemployment, lack of motivation to do pretty much anything, and a myriad of health issues, 2014 blew. I mean, really, it felt like one thing after another after another after ANOTHER – just, blargh, you know? Blargh. BLAAAAAARGH.
Granted, there were some good things – I graduated from college, finally got my driver’s license, and got to travel a bit (Atlanta! Boston!) – but overall, yeah, not fun. Not fun AT ALL. When New Year’s Eve rolled around – hell, when frickin’ Thanksgiving rolled around – I was ecstatic to know that this year was coming to a swift end, and something brand spanking new was around the corner.
So far, thankfully, 2015’s looking much better. I’m getting some psychiatric help, I’m drawing again, I’m feeling motivated to do stuff – ‘sall good, really.